mostlyajerk

Axel did come in eventually, shutting the door as quietly as he could. Given the lack of lights on and TV going, he was going to guess James was out. Not shocking, he did say he planned to party. Axel knew he should have been home earlier but things just got on top of him and he didn't like where it was taking him emotionally.

He pulled his shirt off and tossed it onto the floor, just deciding not to bring it up the best he could and simply went into the bedroom, crawling into the bed and hoping Hartley didn't want one of his 'talks'.

"Hey." Hartley just whispered it as he moved over to wrap one arm around Axel, moving up behind him. He tucked his head against his shoulder and tried not to think about whether Axel had just not been with anyone else or if he'd been too lazy to shower. Axel wasn't injured, as far as he could tell, so that was something.

Of course he wanted to talk, but about what? His excitement had long since died off and Axel hated when he was worried. He looked at nothing in particular, it was already getting light out. His eyes were wet, but he could pretend they weren't. Maybe he should get him something to drink, prevent some of the hangover, if he was less than sober.

"I'm so proud of you, Hart." He meant it too, he lay there and idly watched the dimmed light that he could see from the window. "You deserve what you got. I'm sorry I missed the hype. Just sort of -- got off track." That seemed like a good enough way to explain why he wasn't there because he just wasn't very good at sharing. He sighed and raised his hand, intertwining it with Hartley's to offer some moral support because yeah his boyfriend was a stupid dick and ruined his great thing.

"I'm sorry. I fucked up, didn't I?"

"You didn't. You just got off track." Hartley held Axel's hand and wished he knew what was going on with Axel, wished he had a way of talking to him that wouldn't just annoy him. Wished most of all that he could help him. With how he felt right now, he knew he'd not even be able to ask where he was without sounding accusing. This wasn't about accusing, not really. He supposed some people might be worried about cheating, but they kind of had different issues. Not that that made it impossible.

"I celebrated by myself, so it's all good."

"It's not, I should have been here but I couldn't be here and now I feel like a dick." And he probably should. He ditched his boyfriend because he was doing well in his life? What the fuck was even wrong with him? He should have been thrilled and instead, he just saw the inevitable decline of what they had. A fancy college boy with all that money and a growing future, like he was going to want a trainwreck like him long term. He was a kid crush, not a real thing. He got it, he didn't mind it, it just sucked now he was starting to realise it.

"I would rather you were pissed off at me than being nice."

"And what good's that going to do? You're just looking for an excuse to make me break up with you." He wasn't that much of an idiot. Hartley let go of Axel to roll over on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "Yeah, I wanted to share it with you. And yeah, realising how it makes you feel makes me kind of hate everything about it and I don't feel much like celebrating any more, so it doesn't even matter. I don't need you to go all self-sabotaging on me, just because you think it will hurt less that way."

"You don't know how it makes me feel. Mostly I just feel happy for you." He wasn't lying, he really was, he was so happy and so proud. He rolled onto his back slowly and looked up at the ceiling, raising his hand to push the hair from his eyes. "I don't know, Hartley." Axel was silent for a while before he let his hand drop and sighed. "You don't seem real sometimes, it just throws me off. I don't know what to do with you half the time. I'm not very good at this. I don't want us to break up but I don't think I'm very good at this. Everything makes me feel--" Feel. There was a word Axel rarely used. He paused as he tried to think of the right word to describe how it made him feel but he just couldn't think of one. Total idiot. "-- Never mind."

"Maybe one day you can stop feeling as if I'm some idiot who doesn't know what he wants and just settled for you, because he's aforementioned idiot. I like you for who you are and what we are together, not because I happened to run into you first." This was his reward. He suddenly felt like just running off, but since that wouldn't be very productive he simply sat up. He was tired and that wasn't really helping him with is emotional state here. "So. What were you doing tonight? I mostly just waited for you with dinner. Then I just waited without dinner."

"I don't think you settled for me. Hartley, I'm hot and we get on, what more do people want from love? It just feels weird. This whole thing." Wait, that came out badly. See, this was why he never talked about love, it always came out wrong. He just wasn't used to this. "Not bad weird, just weird. I'm not used to it. Love, I mean."

Axel pulled himself upright and decided to just lay his cards on the table. "I know it makes me a petty asshole but I felt upset over everything and I don't know why. Probably some childish reason so I went to a dealer and he gave me his new product. Vertigo. And I stood there in the hall with all these kids, my age or younger, and I just knew I was one injection away from being like them. So I didn't take it but I felt so bad that I almost did that I didn't want to go home and face you." And now here he was doing it anyway and it sucked.

What was he supposed to do with that? He just felt helpless. Things had been going well. He'd been excited to share. He hadn't even considered that it could lead to anything like this. Hartley was careful not to show that he was sad more than anything, because whenever he looked sad, Axel just started to coddle him and promise the world. He didn't need to be placated.

"Good for you. Drugs are expensive."

"The first hit is free, that's how they get you." Axel flopped back down lazily and sprawled out, closing his eyes and wishing he was just less of a fuck up for once. "Before I started living by myself, I had this real shot at being with a normal family, you know? I just had to make sure I did everything right. I had to be perfect. That's all anyone ever told me. Be nice, be polite, do what you're told and they'll want you. And I did everything right, everything. And they still didn't want me."

Axel still didn't get it but then, he never got people. He felt like they were all working on a different level to him and no matter what he did, it was inevitable it'd go wrong. "Just to spite everyone, I went out and did everything wrong and you know what? I'm really good at that." Axel grinned with a faint bit of pride because yes, he was proud, What of it? "I'm good at being a trainwreck and if you don't want to date a trainwreck, that makes sense, I get that. It's easier. But what if I do all of this right and you still don't want me? I don't know if I could do that again."

"You're the only one who's ever talked as if I'd not want you. I've no idea how much clearer I can make it that I want to be with you." He was tired. He wanted to turn back time and... Whatever. Just not tell Axel about this. Or simply not expect anything other than what he got. "I do want you. I wanted you when we both had nothing, I wanted you when I was almost killed because some asshole thought you owed him. I want you now, while you're trying to get rid of me."

Hartley shrugged and gestured vaguely behind him. "I did get you the jacket you liked. Do what you want with it, I don't care."

"You're mad at me. Good. You should be mad at me. I fucked up." Axel hated himself so much in this moment, he should have just gone home like a normal person. Just gone home, ignored his own petty issues and just enjoyed himself but no, he had to get in his own head and fuck up. "I'm sorry, okay? I let myself get in my own head over this and it was stupid. I'm trying, Hart. Like I said, I'm good at fucking up."

With a small tentative try, he reached out and held out for his hand for Hartley to hold, curious if he'd hold it given how done he seemed to be. "Thank you. I'm sorry I was an ungrateful prick and I ruined your good news."

Hartley stayed as he was for a while, but finally he took Axel's hand, even as he turned his back to him when he laid down. "Whatever. Just don't try making it up to me. I mean it. I don't need your fake cheer or anything like that. That would just make me really mad."

He shook his head, biting down on his lip for a moment before continuing. "You meant to fuck up. You meant to make me mad at you. So I'm not even sure what you're saying. Yeah, you're good at fucking up, you're good at everything you choose to do. You wanted me being mad at you to be a self-fulfilled prophecy, so congratulations. Achievement unlocked."

"So." Axel frowned for a moment because these things were usually easier and the scale of which he'd fucked up was kind of concerning. He didn't show on the best night of Hartley's life and proceeded to piss him off. Classy. "How do I fix it?" Yes, he was asking but how the hell was he supposed to know and every time he didn't get something or had to fix it, he asked Hartley. Or took off his shirt. And his shirt was already off.

"You're not fixing it. We just move on. It's in the past now, so all we have are consequences." Hartley shrugged and looked at the window. Getting lighter and lighter outside. Maybe he could just go to get coffee somewhere. Flirting with a cute barista seemed a lot preferable to this mess. He'd figure it out, he always did. One way or the other.

"I'm sorry then." That was all he could say and he had no idea what to do now so he just rolled over and closed his eyes, pretending like he was sleeping to get away with everything. He had no idea what to do to end the anger.

Out.

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