"You don't know how it makes me feel. Mostly I just feel happy for you." He wasn't lying, he really was, he was so happy and so proud. He rolled onto his back slowly and looked up at the ceiling, raising his hand to push the hair from his eyes. "I don't know, Hartley." Axel was silent for a while before he let his hand drop and sighed. "You don't seem real sometimes, it just throws me off. I don't know what to do with you half the time. I'm not very good at this. I don't want us to break up but I don't think I'm very good at this. Everything makes me feel--" Feel. There was a word Axel rarely used. He paused as he tried to think of the right word to describe how it made him feel but he just couldn't think of one. Total idiot. "-- Never mind."
"Maybe one day you can stop feeling as if I'm some idiot who doesn't know what he wants and just settled for you, because he's aforementioned idiot. I like you for who you are and what we are together, not because I happened to run into you first." This was his reward. He suddenly felt like just running off, but since that wouldn't be very productive he simply sat up. He was tired and that wasn't really helping him with is emotional state here. "So. What were you doing tonight? I mostly just waited for you with dinner. Then I just waited without dinner."
"I don't think you settled for me. Hartley, I'm hot and we get on, what more do people want from love? It just feels weird. This whole thing." Wait, that came out badly. See, this was why he never talked about love, it always came out wrong. He just wasn't used to this. "Not bad weird, just weird. I'm not used to it. Love, I mean."
Axel pulled himself upright and decided to just lay his cards on the table. "I know it makes me a petty asshole but I felt upset over everything and I don't know why. Probably some childish reason so I went to a dealer and he gave me his new product. Vertigo. And I stood there in the hall with all these kids, my age or younger, and I just knew I was one injection away from being like them. So I didn't take it but I felt so bad that I almost did that I didn't want to go home and face you." And now here he was doing it anyway and it sucked.
What was he supposed to do with that? He just felt helpless. Things had been going well. He'd been excited to share. He hadn't even considered that it could lead to anything like this. Hartley was careful not to show that he was sad more than anything, because whenever he looked sad, Axel just started to coddle him and promise the world. He didn't need to be placated.
"The first hit is free, that's how they get you." Axel flopped back down lazily and sprawled out, closing his eyes and wishing he was just less of a fuck up for once. "Before I started living by myself, I had this real shot at being with a normal family, you know? I just had to make sure I did everything right. I had to be perfect. That's all anyone ever told me. Be nice, be polite, do what you're told and they'll want you. And I did everything right, everything. And they still didn't want me."
Axel still didn't get it but then, he never got people. He felt like they were all working on a different level to him and no matter what he did, it was inevitable it'd go wrong. "Just to spite everyone, I went out and did everything wrong and you know what? I'm really good at that." Axel grinned with a faint bit of pride because yes, he was proud, What of it? "I'm good at being a trainwreck and if you don't want to date a trainwreck, that makes sense, I get that. It's easier. But what if I do all of this right and you still don't want me? I don't know if I could do that again."
"You're the only one who's ever talked as if I'd not want you. I've no idea how much clearer I can make it that I want to be with you." He was tired. He wanted to turn back time and... Whatever. Just not tell Axel about this. Or simply not expect anything other than what he got. "I do want you. I wanted you when we both had nothing, I wanted you when I was almost killed because some asshole thought you owed him. I want you now, while you're trying to get rid of me."
Hartley shrugged and gestured vaguely behind him. "I did get you the jacket you liked. Do what you want with it, I don't care."
"You're mad at me. Good. You should be mad at me. I fucked up." Axel hated himself so much in this moment, he should have just gone home like a normal person. Just gone home, ignored his own petty issues and just enjoyed himself but no, he had to get in his own head and fuck up. "I'm sorry, okay? I let myself get in my own head over this and it was stupid. I'm trying, Hart. Like I said, I'm good at fucking up."
With a small tentative try, he reached out and held out for his hand for Hartley to hold, curious if he'd hold it given how done he seemed to be. "Thank you. I'm sorry I was an ungrateful prick and I ruined your good news."
Hartley stayed as he was for a while, but finally he took Axel's hand, even as he turned his back to him when he laid down. "Whatever. Just don't try making it up to me. I mean it. I don't need your fake cheer or anything like that. That would just make me really mad."
He shook his head, biting down on his lip for a moment before continuing. "You meant to fuck up. You meant to make me mad at you. So I'm not even sure what you're saying. Yeah, you're good at fucking up, you're good at everything you choose to do. You wanted me being mad at you to be a self-fulfilled prophecy, so congratulations. Achievement unlocked."
"So." Axel frowned for a moment because these things were usually easier and the scale of which he'd fucked up was kind of concerning. He didn't show on the best night of Hartley's life and proceeded to piss him off. Classy. "How do I fix it?" Yes, he was asking but how the hell was he supposed to know and every time he didn't get something or had to fix it, he asked Hartley. Or took off his shirt. And his shirt was already off.
"You're not fixing it. We just move on. It's in the past now, so all we have are consequences." Hartley shrugged and looked at the window. Getting lighter and lighter outside. Maybe he could just go to get coffee somewhere. Flirting with a cute barista seemed a lot preferable to this mess. He'd figure it out, he always did. One way or the other.
"I'm sorry then." That was all he could say and he had no idea what to do now so he just rolled over and closed his eyes, pretending like he was sleeping to get away with everything. He had no idea what to do to end the anger.
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Axel pulled himself upright and decided to just lay his cards on the table. "I know it makes me a petty asshole but I felt upset over everything and I don't know why. Probably some childish reason so I went to a dealer and he gave me his new product. Vertigo. And I stood there in the hall with all these kids, my age or younger, and I just knew I was one injection away from being like them. So I didn't take it but I felt so bad that I almost did that I didn't want to go home and face you." And now here he was doing it anyway and it sucked.
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"Good for you. Drugs are expensive."
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Axel still didn't get it but then, he never got people. He felt like they were all working on a different level to him and no matter what he did, it was inevitable it'd go wrong. "Just to spite everyone, I went out and did everything wrong and you know what? I'm really good at that." Axel grinned with a faint bit of pride because yes, he was proud, What of it? "I'm good at being a trainwreck and if you don't want to date a trainwreck, that makes sense, I get that. It's easier. But what if I do all of this right and you still don't want me? I don't know if I could do that again."
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Hartley shrugged and gestured vaguely behind him. "I did get you the jacket you liked. Do what you want with it, I don't care."
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With a small tentative try, he reached out and held out for his hand for Hartley to hold, curious if he'd hold it given how done he seemed to be. "Thank you. I'm sorry I was an ungrateful prick and I ruined your good news."
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He shook his head, biting down on his lip for a moment before continuing. "You meant to fuck up. You meant to make me mad at you. So I'm not even sure what you're saying. Yeah, you're good at fucking up, you're good at everything you choose to do. You wanted me being mad at you to be a self-fulfilled prophecy, so congratulations. Achievement unlocked."
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