The explosion had been something he sort of knew would happen, hell Hartley gave him a heads up and all. He didn't know what to do at first, he sort of paced for a while, panicked a little, he wanted to do something to find out if Hartley was even still alive. He had no information, he couldn't bring himself to call him and he didn't even know if going outside was even safe.
It wasn't until Axel heard that one of the guys who'd been hit in the blast had seen a guy who looked like Hartley in the hospital near the ward he was in that James knew he was alive. And he thought that could be enough, just to know he was alive but the whole night he couldn't sleep. He kept thinking of Hartley and how he must feel, that he was alone there and no one was visiting. He couldn't stand it.
He didn't know what to say or why he came but he did, he had to come. He listened to him talk to his parents voice mail and waited for him to hang up before he came into the room slowly, arms behind his back to hide what he had, unsure if he was even welcome.
Hartley's look was just utter confusion, mostly because James sounded different and he couldn't put his finger on why. But at least that revelation of his new condition kept him from realizing just how strange it was that he was even here. That day when Hartley had been wrecked by sobs and wanted James so badly it hurt, that day when James made clear that he had lost his friendship forever, it was still fresh in his memory.
Easily the worst day of his life, even after all the pain he'd so recently been through. He put his phone on the night-stand and stared at him as if he wasn't quite sure he was real.
"I'm sorry. That you got hurt, I mean. That sucks."
He came a little further into the room and swallowed hard, unsure what he was even doing. he wasn't as hurt as he was when they last spoke, he had been so afraid that Hartley had been hurt or worse that all he'd felt for him for so long was fear and concern. And here he was and he was so sad and alone. James should have been there for him. He kept letting him down.
James stopped beside him bed and finally, he pulled out what he held behind his back. It was a teddy bear he'd spent a good few minutes picking out at the gift shop. "It was the best bear there. And it came with this cute card." He pulled it out from his pocket and held it out to him and there, on the front, was a cartoon bear that looked a little worse for the wear with the caption 'get well beary soon'.
"I'm glad you didn't get hurt." Hartley was in hospital. He hadn't been aware for long, but long enough to have seen some people walk by, to have overheard some things. So many still here because of the accelerator explosion. He wondered how many died. He wondered what all he knew he shared responsibility for. But for now he was just grateful to see that maybe James had listened. Maybe he'd avoided it, because he'd warned him.
Hartley probably shouldn't have gone there, but it was the least he could do. He smiled when he looked at the bear and then the card, reaching out to take both and, yes, he might have pulled the bear close right away. It was soft, who could blame him. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry for everything. Everyone. Fuck."
"It's okay." He reached out and touched Hartley's shoulder, squeezing it gently to try and reassure him. He didn't like to see him like this, he hated that he could have died and he would have died thinking James hated him. Their last words in person would have been some homophobic trash he never meant to say. He was a total dick, no wonder Hartley could believe the lies Wells told him. No wonder he fell for an asshole like Wells.
"I'm sorry I didn't help you when you needed it. I was upset and what that creep said just got under my skin." He took a chance and sat on the edge of Hartley's bed, reaching down to playfully poke the bears cute little stitched nose. "It's not your fault what happened. You tried everything you could and he just beat you. It's not on your conscience, I promise."
"It's on my conscience. But thanks for saying that." Of course it would be on his conscience forever. It had to be. He had no idea what else he could have done, but he should have tried. At least he could have gotten some magazine to print his ranting, just anything. It might have given him more of an edge now. But after the way Harrison ended things and then James' rejection, he felt crippled. He was at a loss. Hartley smiled at James now, in spite of everything, because he was here and he got it. He wasn't trying to get rid of him any more.
"Same. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. I thought you were hurt." And he was, pretty much. He should have been a better friends. He should have been more of a friend but hell, he'd been a coward for so long and now he was brave enough to try for it, he knew he had bad timing. What was he going to do now? Declare his love when Hartley was hurt, emotionally weak and getting over Wells? No. He wasn't going to do this now. He was going to be gentle, build up trust and hopefully, he could win him back.
"Do you like the bear?" He spent so long trying to pick it out, just stalling really but he wanted the perfect gift. "He seemed like he'd give good hugs." James shrugged then playfully opened his own arms out. "I also give good hugs if you need one."
"Just a little hurt. I had some trouble with my ears..." Hartley pointed at them, as if that showed much. There were some stitches, there would be scars, but really nothing too bad. The real damage was inside and whatever he was experiencing now. His hearing had changed and he couldn't figure it out yet. But that had time.
For now he hugged a tiny bear and didn't even feel ridiculous for it. That was the James effect, never to be underestimated. "You don't have to. You know. Be nice to me. I know I fucked up."
Hartley said that, maturely and collected. Then he ruined it by wrapping his arms around James and burying his face against his neck. This was much better than a call to his parents.
James held back tightly, smiling fondly as he wrapped his arms around him in a proper bear hug, trying to not squeeze him to death. "I give better hugs than the bear, right? I totally do. I'm less fluffy but I'm pretty warm and my shirt is so soft today." Mostly because it was so well worn and washed with an insane amount of comforter to make it that way. He didn't touch on what Hartley aid, he didn't want to humour it. Always avoiding the trickier conversations.
"So do you want to come crash at mine when you're out? Or I can stay at yours, I guess but you don't have a TV so I won't be able to watch my toons." He pulled a face at that idea, resting his chin on Hartley's shoulder. "Also I have the better kitchen and I bet you miss my cooking, right?"
He had to keep an eye on Hartley, clearly he was not in the best state of mind. All self destruction, no logic.
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It wasn't until Axel heard that one of the guys who'd been hit in the blast had seen a guy who looked like Hartley in the hospital near the ward he was in that James knew he was alive. And he thought that could be enough, just to know he was alive but the whole night he couldn't sleep. He kept thinking of Hartley and how he must feel, that he was alone there and no one was visiting. He couldn't stand it.
He didn't know what to say or why he came but he did, he had to come. He listened to him talk to his parents voice mail and waited for him to hang up before he came into the room slowly, arms behind his back to hide what he had, unsure if he was even welcome.
"Hartley?"
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Easily the worst day of his life, even after all the pain he'd so recently been through. He put his phone on the night-stand and stared at him as if he wasn't quite sure he was real.
"You don't have to... They said I'll be fine."
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He came a little further into the room and swallowed hard, unsure what he was even doing. he wasn't as hurt as he was when they last spoke, he had been so afraid that Hartley had been hurt or worse that all he'd felt for him for so long was fear and concern. And here he was and he was so sad and alone. James should have been there for him. He kept letting him down.
James stopped beside him bed and finally, he pulled out what he held behind his back. It was a teddy bear he'd spent a good few minutes picking out at the gift shop. "It was the best bear there. And it came with this cute card." He pulled it out from his pocket and held it out to him and there, on the front, was a cartoon bear that looked a little worse for the wear with the caption 'get well beary soon'.
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Hartley probably shouldn't have gone there, but it was the least he could do. He smiled when he looked at the bear and then the card, reaching out to take both and, yes, he might have pulled the bear close right away. It was soft, who could blame him. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry for everything. Everyone. Fuck."
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"I'm sorry I didn't help you when you needed it. I was upset and what that creep said just got under my skin." He took a chance and sat on the edge of Hartley's bed, reaching down to playfully poke the bears cute little stitched nose. "It's not your fault what happened. You tried everything you could and he just beat you. It's not on your conscience, I promise."
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"I missed you a lot."
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"Do you like the bear?" He spent so long trying to pick it out, just stalling really but he wanted the perfect gift. "He seemed like he'd give good hugs." James shrugged then playfully opened his own arms out. "I also give good hugs if you need one."
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For now he hugged a tiny bear and didn't even feel ridiculous for it. That was the James effect, never to be underestimated. "You don't have to. You know. Be nice to me. I know I fucked up."
Hartley said that, maturely and collected. Then he ruined it by wrapping his arms around James and burying his face against his neck. This was much better than a call to his parents.
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"So do you want to come crash at mine when you're out? Or I can stay at yours, I guess but you don't have a TV so I won't be able to watch my toons." He pulled a face at that idea, resting his chin on Hartley's shoulder. "Also I have the better kitchen and I bet you miss my cooking, right?"
He had to keep an eye on Hartley, clearly he was not in the best state of mind. All self destruction, no logic.